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Sometimes I can’t

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The past few days have been difficult ones for the diabetes community. Two beautiful young people were taken way too soon.

A few of us were in a Google+ hangout (a video chat) after #dsma on Wednesday talking about how we were feeling about everything. I couldn’t get what we talked about out of my mind on Thursday.

I don’t know if it is a result of being involved in social media or if people with diabetes outside the online community do this too, but I feel like I spend a lot of time proving to people that diabetes is “no big deal.”

I tell them I can eat whatever I want. I do things that people with diabetes “aren’t supposed to do.” My pump is usually tucked into my pocket and my DexCom on my torso so that if you didn’t know I have diabetes, there would be no external sign. When people ask me about my diabetes management I usually downplay the work that is required to pretend that I have control.

When I hear about another life lost, it reminds me and unfortunately shifts my focus and attitude to how difficult and scary it is to live with diabetes. If a 9th grader can pass away from a stroke or an 18 year old can die in her sleep, what prevents that from happening to me or any of the people I know and love.. It’s frightening.

When I have a low near bedtime I wonder what could happen if it drops lower during the night and I don’t hear my alarms. There are definitely mornings were I have woken up, looked at my receiver, and wondered how I didn’t hear the alarms that should/must have been going off for the previous few hours.

Sometimes diabetes is easy. But sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it fits easily into my life. But sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I know I will live a long and healthy life with diabetes. But sometimes I worry. Sometimes I think that I can do this. But sometimes I can’t.

lost too soon


10 responses

  1. Ooh Sara, I’m right there with you. The recent events have me angry (at D), sad, & heartbroken. I don’t have any alarms (no Dexcom) and I was just venting about my low nighttime experience myself, for it was life changing.

    We are all here with you, feeling the fear and the panic. We have to keep fighting for that cure. It simply has to happen. ((((Hugs))))

  2. I know how you feel, many of us understand & have felt (and are feeling) the very same. But I’m here to tell you that by admitting your fears shows that you are doing ‘this’, even through the tears & the sadness.
    Kelly K

  3. (((((Hugs))))) I go from sad to angry and back to sad whenever I hear these news.

  4. Pingback: » Another Blue Candle and Yet Another Strangely Diabetic

  5. Such a struggle. Fears can overpower us if we allow them to. I am proud that you are able to show a positive face to the world. Keep up the good work and know that your future is in God’s hands.

  6. OK, so now I’m going to reveal just how OLD I am (and what I was going to TRY and share with you on Google+ when technical challenges got in the way) – when I was growing up in the 70’s, there was seldom if ever any press mention of a child with diabetes. That all changed when Diabetes Forecast featured a cover story of a celebrity child actor with type 1 diabetes featuring none other than Dana Hill who starred on Mork & Mindy in 1978 and would continue to do TV shows throughout the 70s and 80s and was perhaps best known for starring as Audrey on European Vacation in 1985. She was really an inspiration for me to keep going as a kid, and made me realize that I really COULD DO THIS! I was really saddened (and a bit disheartened) when she passed away of a stroke in 1996 at the tender age of 32. That was a really sad moment for me, and my realization about the fragility of life with a chronic disease.

  7. Only 4 months into my son’s diagnosis, I find myself thinking ‘This diabetes thing is FOREVER?!?! It’s such a pain in the a$$.” But that is all Im allowing myself to think for now. I’m following the road less traveled, and I hope it makes all the difference.

  8. beautiful post, sara. tearing up over here, again. feels good to get the messy feelings out.

  9. Great post.
    I struggle with the balance of asserting that I can do anything and acknowledging that it’s really, really hard. I don’t want pity, but I may need some help. Of course, admitting that is tough for a stubborn, independent one like me. Plus, I worry that if I give the hardship its due, I might not be able to keep it at bay anymore.

  10. Your words express exactly how I have been feeling lately. Forty-four years – I’m still plodding along – one day at a time – all we can do is make the most of our time here on this big blue marble – and try to smile along the way to smell the roses and watch the butterlies flitter by.

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